Tuesday, August 03, 2010

"If 'Twilight' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest"

This is over at Cracked.com. I laughed my a** off reading this. (No, I'm not biased. Why do you ask?) Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com brings you an abridged version of the screenplay for Twilight, the movie based on Stephanie Meyer's novel. FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON. KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.) Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool. BILLY BURKE Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool. KRISTEN STEWART Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth. KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED. ANNA KENDRICK Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend? GREGORY TYREE BOYCE Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome? MICHAEL WELCH No way you asshole, I saw her first! KRISTEN STEWART I'd rather watch "The Messengers" than date either of you. Why don't you go ask Anna instead? ANNA KENDRICK Ohmigod I'm getting Kristen's rejects, that's so awesome! KRISTEN STEWART Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws? ANNA KENDRICK Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you're a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don't think so. Let's make out. Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels. KRISTEN STEWART Who's the albino Wolverine? ANNA KENDRICK Oh, him? That's Robert. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him. KRISTEN STEWART No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days... KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns. KRISTEN STEWART Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you. ROBERT PATTINSON Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow. KRISTEN STEWART (swoon) ROBERT PATTINSON You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you. Read more

7 comments:

Andy the Time Lord said...

I think there is no better line that "albino Wolverine." That is simply literary gold right there.

Thanks for sharing!

Blodeuedd said...

Haha, loving it!

SQT said...

I laugh every time I read this....

Charles Gramlich said...

And the book has sold millions!

SQT said...

Charles-- I know! But it appears a bigger backlash is on its way. I saw a movie preview yesterday of a "Twilight" spoof. It probably won't make a dent in the franchise. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds "Twilight" ridiculous.

wheels209 said...

Hi SQT,
I think you are right,the movie is ridiculous. The only thing I know about the Twilight series is from the nightly talk shows and movie clips. However, this post is so very funny. Thanks for it.

Take care,
Steve

Megan said...

Hmmm I enjoy the Twilight novels. Not my favorite books, but I liked them. I also like reading and watching the parodies (especially all of the ones on Youtube haha) since there is quite a bit to poke fun at. However, I dislike the part here that says "The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels". Why is paleness bad? I realize it's because they're vampires and the author wants to make fun of them, but being an extremely pale person myself, I don't enjoy when paleness gets stigmatized.