Sunday, October 19, 2008
Sigmund Freud once opined that little girls, in the course of their development, took a gander at the different packaging of little boys and decided I want one of those... What a bunch of hooey. Of course I don't have a background that allows me clinically describe Freud's theories as complete nonsense, but I do possess the power of observation and I have come to the conclusion that men are simply obsessed with their reproductive equipment. I also believe that the obsession leads them to conclude that everyone else (namely women) must envy the object of such fascination and want one for their very own. Don't deny it men. I don't know a guy who hasn't tried to convince us women (and perhaps other men) that their little partner doesn't deserve a name like Conan or Thor (though no one every seems to pick Pee Wee). And one only has to take a look at common architecture to see a certain shape appear all too frequently. I do not believe this is a coincidence. And if you think I'm reading a bit too much into the size and shape of a structure like the Washington Monument, then perhaps you should take a gander at this page, which features some rather interesting images from Pompei (the city buried by a volcano in 79 AD). The ancient Romans were not particularly modest and were very public with their particular appetites. Why do I bring this up? Because I watched You Don't Mess With the Zohan the other night and I doubt that if you even combined Elvis with Ricky Martin would you get a man who delivered more pelvic thrusts. I mean, the man was jerking his hips all over the place. He caught fish in his butt crack for crying out loud. I admit I was disappointed by the movie. I had read a review that led me to believe that it was funny so I was hoping for a "Wedding Singer" but got stuck with something that made "The Waterboy" look good. Oh well. With Adam Sandler it's a crapshoot at best. But the quality of the movie isn't really the point of my post. During the course of this endless film I found myself reflecting on all the movies (not pornos btw) I have watched that seem to take their inspiration from the little soldier that men love so much. Take "Austin Powers" for example. I would mention a particular movie in the series, but really, they're all a big blur. I'm embarrassed to say I've seen them all. The idea behind the Austin Power's movies is that they're a spoof of James Bond. I get that-- as I'm sure everyone does. But Mike Meyers goes way beyond spoofing Bond movies and usually resorts to jokes about the family jewels in short order. I'm sure you all remember this: [Noticing Dr. Evil's ship on radar] Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar. Colonel: What is it, son? Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant... Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard. Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge... Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker. Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where? Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's... Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with... Baseball Umpire: Two balls. [looking up from game] Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous... Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention. Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying... Musician: Willie. Willie: Yeah? Musician: What's that? Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge... Colonel: Johnson. Radar Operator: Yes, sir? Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this. I admit, this joke was funny the first time, but by the time Meyers came out with "Goldmember," a movie actually named after his favorite body part, I pretty much lost interest. And Mike Meyers isn't the only movie maker besides Adam Sandler who has let his preoccupation with his privates run rampant. Judd Apatow, known for "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked-Up" has joined the party. HOLLYWOOD - Knocked Up director Judd Apatow is on a mission to put penises in every movie he makes--and end America's fear of male members. The filmmaker placed a penis behind actor John C. Reilly's head in an orgy scene in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and watched as audience members stormed out of a test screening in disgust. Undeterred, Apatow kept the penis footage in the film--and then made a "c**kumentary" about shooting the scene, which will appear on the DVD. He says, "The original shot was way longer, where the penis is in close-up, and then one night we showed it to a test audience and 22 people walked out. I think we went too far with too much penis. "We went with different angles to make sure there weren't too much testicles being shown... America fears the penis and that's something I'm going to help them get over. "I'm gonna get a penis in every movie I do from now on. When this writers strike ends, that is my dream. It really makes me laugh in this day and age, with how psychotic our world is, that anyone is troubled by seeing any part of the human body; that is amusing to me." COPYRIGHT 2007 WORLD ENTERTAINMENT NEWS NETWORK LTD. All Global Rights Reserved. Hmmmmm. I really don't understand all the interest. Oh sure. I get the fact that this particular preoccupation comes from the male sex drive. I'm not that dense. I think the success of each particular James Bond is in complete proportion to the virility of the man portraying him-- hence Daniel Craig's huge popularity, but that's a subject I'd like to develop further once the new Bond comes out. And I suspect that comedians like Meyers and Sandler are just being more obvious, and silly, when it comes to their humor. But my goodness, do they really think anyone other than teenage boys share their sense of humor? I guess it's just a guy thing. And at the end of the day I guess it is just that. Somehow the male sex drive infused itself into virtually every aspect of men's lives. We hear the statistics that say men think about sex every 54 seconds, though I can't image how anyone was able to nail the frequency down that specifically. But it doesn't matter. Beyond Freud and his theories about penis envy, psychologists and profilers say that violent attacks against women are often the result of a frustrate sex drive. We see men drive fast cars and wonder what is he compensating for? So I guess it's no shock that men will find ways to express their libido through entertainment-- I'm sure Hugh Hefner could write a whole dissertation on that subject. But as a woman, let me just throw this out. I'm not that interested in the male anatomy as a main topic of conversation. I do wonder what men are compensating for when they build their bodies into mountains of muscle and drive a Hummer. And I wonder why so many men-- comics in particular -- spend so much time fixated on their wee willies. Is there a little bit of compensating going on there too? Or do men secretly think that mockery is the appropriate way to deal with something that has such control over their lives? You have to admit, it's a curious phenomenon.