Saturday, June 16, 2007

I Want My Money Back

How much did I hate "Rise of the Silver Surfer"? I hated it so much I can't even quantify it. Why is it so bad? It desperately wants to be a comedy. It goofs in our faces, smirks, elbows, then expects us to smile and laugh with it. Nothing is as embarrassing as a bad comedy. Or a bad action comedy. Worst moment: Exposure to the Silver Surfer causes Johnny's molecules to become unstable. This leads to swapping powers when any of the other of the Fantastic Four touch him. On the street, his sister grabs him by the arm and bursts into flame. She screams hysterically and rises into the air. An amazed Reed Richards sees her hovering outside the window. Shouting to her through the thick protective plate glass window: "You're on fire," (at least I think this was what he said), she responds with a Valley Girl: "Ya think?" Johnny, who quickly swaps powers with Reed, stretches, grabs her, and brings her down to the sidewalk. There, she loses the power of flame, and is on the street----Naked!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...oh wait..lemme...catch a breath...HAHAHAHAHAHA. I was going to walk out after this scene, I almost never walk out on anything. I think the last film that I walked out on was The Exorcist: Part Two. However, I went with a friend, and so we suffered to the end of an insufferable film. What else was wrong with this bit of Rupert Murdock garbage? As predicted, Dr. Doom continues to be a cruel injustice to a magnificent villain. Standing tall, whining, waxed eyebrows hunching, he is the least malevolent bad guy imaginable. And he seldom touches his mask. I guess the producers felt that such a pretty face shouldn't be covered. Another indignity was the silver surfer who (if you love the surfer as a comic book hero, then brace yourself) draws his power from his surf board. So separate the man from the board and you beat him. Finally, Galactus, the cloud. What a great idea. Let's reduce the giant menace from a God to a cloud. Boy that will scare the kiddies. Puffs of cloud reaching for the planet. ooooooooh. So, that's it...Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer wins awards for worst film of the year. I promised myself I wouldn't see this crap and I broke my promise. I make a new promise though, and it's one I promise not to break: I will see no more of this franchise. Although given how atrocious this is, I can't imagine another one seeing light of day.

15 comments:

crunchy carpets said...

yeah....dh has been indignant about pretty much everything you said and he hasn't even seen it..and won't either.

he is just disgusted.

Carl V. said...

If you read my review then you of course know I had the opposite opinion of it, again because I wasn't invested in the comic and thought the movie was just fine, another summer popcorn film. What I don't understand from the comic book faithful, and I consider myself one, though not of this series, is how Galactus could have been rendered in all his comic book glory and not have been completely frickin' stupid. That is what I want explained.

SQT said...

*sigh*

This summer's movie season has just sucked.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Carl, no offense, but if this was your idea of a fine popcorn movie, then your bar is awfully low.

How could Galactus have been presented? How about as a large face...seen in the mind of the surfer. That personalizes it and makes the idea of the entity less absurd as it travels through space. Then, the cloud would have been how Galactus reached out and touched the world.

I am going to your blog now carl...I'll try and be kind.

Alex said...

Holy @#$%ing christ! Did you just tell me Jessica Alba gets naked in this movie?

Can I get a confirmation on this one? If so, I'm buying, not renting!

*drool*

SQT said...

Lol

I think it's pretty hilarious that the one thing you focused on is that Jessica Alba might be nude (come on, you don't really think they'd show any skin do ya?).

Stewart Sternberg said...

No, no nudity.

I have been laying in bed thinking about carl's statement, trying to come to terms with how he or anyone else could have liked this film. I've tried justifying it by divorcing it from the comic, and it still hurts. I also tried getting my head around the idea that this is a family friendly film. It is. It is. The conservative group, the Parents Television Council will be delighted. Anyone under eight will be delighted. They won't have to ask an adult to explain a thing to them.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I know it had bad reviews here in Britain, but it sounds even worse than they said!

mist1 said...

I almost went to see it this weekend. Maybe I'll wait for it to be out on DVD.

ShadowFalcon said...

I didn't love the first f4 movie and thought this was an improvement. Not the best but didn't expect it to be. Gallactus is based on the one from the ultimate universe thus the swarm rather then giant dude.

it was 90 mins, it was ok - they remembered a middle this time. Personaly Doom is what lets these films down big time...

Carl V. said...

I didn't mean to give you a sleepless night, Stewart, I'm sorry!!! For the most part I stand really strongly behind my movie preferences but I'm not sure I am always good at differentiating what I like vs. what I thought was amazing in my reviews. Was FF amazing? No. But you must remember that I am being 100% honest when I say that I have no ties at all to this film, nor any emotional investment in the franchise at all. I went to the first one and thought it was okay. Not something I wanted to own, but something I was glad I saw in the theatre. What I was most pleased about, having several friends with very young children, is that both FF movies appear to be made more for family viewing, rather than for older kids and adults. I'm sure this is not what fans of the franchise want, but I was fine with it. It is rare that I get to go to movies with my friends AND their kids, so I take those opportunities when I can.

Like I said, it met my expectations, if not exceeded them. We all have our guilty pleasure films and I imagine everyone, even the most snobbish movie critic (I am pointing specifically to the one in my home town), has movies that aren't critically well done that they cannot help but enjoy. I can't lie and say that I didn't enjoy FF II when I did, that is just the way it is.

Is my bar set low, maybe. If I have to compare it with the mess that was Spiderman 3, then yes, my bar is set low. But I generally don't like to do that. I would rather go to a movie, be entertained, and if I liked it great, if I didn't, then I try to vocalize why I did not.

Like I've said, I certainly cannot critize anyone for hating this film, because everyone who saw it had their own expectations, etc. going into it and thus had their own experience. Mine, and that of those I went with, was to enjoy it for what it was.

I don't need every movie to be a masterpiece or for every movie to be complicated. That isn't what summer movies are for. For the most part they are the forgettable films that you go to with the gang, enjoy, and then move on.

Looking back on the experience, the selling point for me was the scenes out in space. Being a huge sci fi geek, I love seeing space scenes in films and the planet exploding at the beginning of the movie and the way they portrayed Galactus really appealed to me as a sci fi fan. Had those elements not been in the film, I personally might have had a much different experience. But again, that is just my experiene, and I don't take offense nor begrudge anyone having a different one. I do think portraying Galactus the way that he looks in the comics would have been stupid in the extreme, but that doesn't mean this was the best way to do it. Again, it worked for me because I thought the effect was well done and because I am not invested in the actual character.

Get some sleep Stewart! I won't be shouting about FF: Rise from the rooftops like I do with films like Pan's Labyrinth, the LOTR trilogy, etc. I've seen it once, will most likely never see it again, and soon will no doubt give a glowing review to some other film that no one but me likes. ;)

Stewart Sternberg said...

Carl, articulate and well thought out response. I suppose you're right, I can get some sleep. Wake me up when the new Harry Potter film debuts.

Lisa said...

Couldn't agree more with your take on FF2. In fact, the point at which you almost got up and left, was the point I got up and left the movie, myself.

Carl V. said...

Glad to hear it Stewart, we all need our rest! ;)

Asara said...

You guys are messing with my head, calling this FF.. in my world, that means Final Fantasy :)

But I'm a gamer nerd, and I accept that about myself.

On the whole, I agree with Stewart, and so does the hubby. When it was all over, the first thing he said to me was, "I'm sorry". It was his choice to see it. I personally wanted a dose of man candy from Pirates, but now he owes me, so I'm sure I'll get it.

Some other thoughts and notes are on my blog, I won't spoil the surprise, lol!! :)