Monday, February 05, 2007

11 Least Intimidating Movie Villians Ever

First, I must confess I stole this post. Due credit goes to Jim Faith over at The Phat Phree. But I'm going to reprint the list here since I thought it was kind of funny. COLUMNS 11 LEAST INTIMIDATING MOVIE VILLAINS by: JIM FATH In honor of the much hyped and not nearly as enjoyed Superbowl this weekend, this week's Ulitimate 11 is dedicated to the impotent Villians who have failed to instill any amount of fear in us. So here is your list. The Ultimate 11 Least Intimidating Movie Villains Mark Pillow as Nuclear Man in Superman IV: The Quest For Peace Even if this guy didn't look like he should be posing in a thong on a Myrtle Beach post card from 1986, and even if he wasn't played by a guy named "Mark Pillow", he would still be one of the lamest bad guys of all time. He's just as strong as Superman. Shares the same genes. That's scary. Oh, but there's one catch: He's fucking solar powered! That's right. This guys unstoppable. Between 6:30am and 7pm. Unless you just pull the drapes. Then he's helpless. Garbage. Nothing as The Nothing in The Neverending Story Hey. You know what would have made a scarier villain in this movie than "The Nothing"?... "The Something". I understand that budgets can get a little tight, but making your primary antagonist a formless entity is just plain cheap by any standard. Atreyu's horse was so bored by the middle of this movie that he elected to sink into the Swamps of Sadness rather than see how it ended. I envied Artax. Hayden Christensen as Darth Vader in Star Wars: Episode II and III Nice job Lucas. Way to take the most fantastically imposing and dreaded figure of our collective youth and fill his iconic suit with a rat-tail-sporting, whiney bitch who looks like he should be in the band "O Town". How am I supposed to be scared re-watching the original trilogy knowing that it's that half-melted little boy-toy in there? James Earl Jones' voice fills that costume out better. Christ. David Bowie as The Goblin King Jareth in Labyrinth Director: David, this just isn't working. I'm just not buying you as a terrifying, wicked villain right now. Do you have any ideas? Bowie: "Well, I guess we could put more glitter on me." Director: "Good. That could work." Bowie: "And I suppose I could playfully fondle a few more of these smallish crystal orbs while I sing a song that I wrote called 'Magic Dance'." Director: "Sounds great. I've already got goose bumps! Action!" The Daleks as a Slow Moving File Cabinet from "Dr. Who" One of the most popular villains to ever appear on the Dr. Who series, these lumbering vending machines are about as scary as an ATM. Ok... An ATM armed with what looks to be a plunger and a Hair dryer. EX-TER-MI-NATE!" "OH MY GOD! IT'S THE DALEK'S! Everybody walk away" a Tiny Doll as Chucky in Child's Play Oh No! Chucky's loose again! We're dead for sure this time! Unless we...get up on a chair. If you get murdered by a Cabbage Patch Kid, you deserve it. Martin Kove as John Kreese in Karate Kid I, II and III We'll look past the ass-whooping you took at the beginning of Karate Kid II from the four-foot-three, eighty-year-old man who used to run Al's Diner on Happy Days. Everyone has an off day. But the bottom line is, you can't have a perm and expect people to fear you. Mercy is for the weak, but hot rollers are for straight up pussies. Demi Moore as Madison Lee in Charlie's Angel's 2 Full Throttle I don't know what it was that didn't work for Demi in this role. It might have been that she never changed her facial expression throughout this movie. Every scene she looks like she's having a conversation about politics with Ashton. She must have been the only one on the set who read the script. Megatron as Megatron in Transformers: The Movie Not only did he transform into a gun, he transformed into a crappy, bitch-sized gun. A Walther P-38. If you're gonna be a gun how about at least being one from Post World War II? I suppose when your most loyal soldier is a fucking tape deck, this sort of shoddiness is to be expected. Samuel L. Jackson as "Mr. Glass" in Unbreakable The only thing more feeble than the plots to M. Night Shyamalan's movies is Samuel L. Jackson in this movie that pits an indestructible Bruce Willis against a comic book collector who's femurs break when the wind blows. The fact that M. Night used one of our favorite badasses in this frail role is bad enough, but giving him that haircut was Unforgivable. John Travolta as Any Bad Guy in Broken Arrow, Battlefield Earth, The Punisher, Swordfish, Face Off and Look Who's Talking Now. Stop it John Travolta. Just stop it. You're not a good villain. Look at these movies! What more proof do you need? We graciously allowed you to come back into our lives and the public eye when Tarantino decided to cast you because he has a soft spot for cheesy, 70's pop culture and Welcome Back Kotter, and this is how you repay us? For shame, John Travolta. Honorable Mention: Terence Stamp as General Zod in Superman 2 He didn't make the list because... well neither of us go a week without, at some point, telling girls to "Kneel Before Zod". But he is mentioned because he was roughly a foot an a half shorter than Ursa his first in command. Plus he looks like a Bee Gee. So there you have it folks. The Undebatable 11 Worst Villains in cinematic history. So here's where you go ahead and waste everyone's time by spouting off your unfounded and barely literate alternatives. Who wants to be the first to point out that we didn't mention Arnold Schwarzanagger in Batman and Robin? You're move. Remember, I didn't write this. SQT :)

24 comments:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I think Zod would obliterate you with his heat-vision, height or not.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Okay, I totally agree with some of these, especially the villain from Superman IV. Nuclear Man??!!! I also though Heyden Christiansen as Darth Vader was a total miss. I beg to differ regarding Terrence Stamp as Zod. I think the director was at blame, not the actor, nor the character.

However, I would like to point to a couple others that might have been overlooked.

First, Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom from The Fantastic Four. It takes a special level of lameness to downgrade a major villain like Doom into a ho-hum nuisance.

Second, Jaws from the James Bond films. Jaws. What were they thinking? Perhaps the initial appearance of this behemoth had some Bonish appeal, but they turned him into a joke before the end of "The Spy Who Loved Me" and reduced him further, into an embarassment in "Moonraker".

Third, William Shatner as Matt Stone in "Impulse", one of his first attempts to distance himself from Kirk. It's bad at a whole new level. I remember seeing this at the theater and laughing out loud at a scene where Shatner, frustrated, beats up a couple ballons at a carnival. Deliciously, exquistely bad.

Arnold Schwartzenegger and Uma Thurman ---they get to share a bill as twin villains in one of the films that Joel Shumacher helmed in his attempt to destroy the Batman franchise.

Crunchy Carpets said...

I love it...yeah the Daleks...I figured a good flight of stairs and you are done....I figured some british major with elbow pads woulda figured that out.

SQT said...

I think it's silly when they use kids as villians; like Dakota Fanning in Hide and Seek or Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Another bad villain was Taylor Negron's Milo from the Last Boy Scout. His best line was "I am the bad guy." Yeah, you're the mincing bad guy with a gun. Ooooh.

Neila said...

That's a great list! But in all fairness, Chucky creeped me out in Child's Play - probably because I had some evil-looking dolls.

And you must admit that John Travolta was terrifying in Look Who's Talking Now. *shiver*

Peter P said...

A Walther P-38. If you're gonna be a gun how about at least being one from Post World War II?

How about a 1911?

Oh, that was pre-WW1. :)

Asara said...

Lol!! Great list :) I have to object about the Neverending Story, not because I don't agree, but because I was in tears when the horse sank into the swamp. Of course, I was 12 and horse-crazy at the time, but still.. The part that really put me off was the bad judgement on the part of the Nothing, in its employment of a very badly animated wolf as its agent in the world. They should have made it telepathic, because a wolf's muzzle just is not meant to convey speech. The only time I've seen worse animation is when the BBC did the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and they had a guy in a wolf suit do the speaking. The way his wolf nose wobbled when he was yelling at Eustace just kept me mesmerized.

Angela/SciFiChick said...

Too funny.. I agree with most of these too.
Though I did love the movie Face Off with Travolta & Cage.. switching roles. It was definitely different.

I'd probably add the lame-o villains from Spy Kids. That had the potential of being a cute children's movie.
Instead they just look like a B-movie product.

DesLily said...

goodness the list just keeps growing lol..

hey stewart, I never saw Impulse, now I'm going to have to so I can have a good laugh too lol

Avery said...

You know who was a GOOD villian? Issac Hayes as The Duke in Escape from New York. He had the cool factor, plus he had land mines, guns, control of the entire island of Manhattan, the president, that creepy, spiky-haired sidekick with the weird laugh, AND chandeliers on the hood of his car for headlights.

jedimerc said...

Yeah, I am all for Zod... he rocked... so kneel.. :)

and kids as villians, I agree, are bad ideas all around. And c'mon, give the whiny Sith Lord a break, but not much... actually read James Luceno's 'Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader'. It helps bury the pain some... you get to see vader become 'Vader'.

Hey there, Skippy said...

Dakota Fanning terrifies me, frankly. It's her dead, dead eyes. And the certainty with which I know that she will one day win an Oscar for her portrayal of Anne Frank's disabled grandddaughter's struggle to make it into the Belgian Olympics team.

The Daleks in the new series of Doctor Who are awesome - proper full-on bitchy fascists who can fly (no stairs problems here) and who refer to killing humans as 'pest control'.

Totally agree with Mr Sternberg about the new Dr. Doom - he sucked like a dyson.

To the list I feel we ought to add
The Beast from 'Krull' who gets built up into this terrifying thing of unspeakable evil and then turns out to be a dude who looks like a squid.

SQT said...

The Beast from 'Krull' who gets built up into this terrifying thing of unspeakable evil and then turns out to be a dude who looks like a squid.

Kind of reminds me of the TV movie IT, and the unbelievably scary Pennywise turns out to be some giant not-as-scary spider. Should have left Pennywise alone in his ultra-scariness.

I always liked Zod too. Though Ursa always seemed more overtly menacing to me.

Sarah said...

The prequels totally ruined Vader. I try to block them out and pretend they never happened.

Avery said...

Pennywise was ruined for me when I realized it was Tim Curry. All I could think of was pleather BDSM gear.

Come to think of it, Frank 'N' Furter is much scarier than Pennywise, hands down.

Lee said...

I personally got a kick, but not a scared one, from the bleeding eye asthmatic villiam from the latest James Bond.

SQT said...

Only Bond could pull off a villian that cries blood.

Peter P said...

Only Bond could pull off a villian that cries blood.

It would have been much more intimidating if the villian also has ebola.

SQT said...

Yeah, ebola is definitely a good villian. It scares the crap out of me anyway.

S.M.D. said...

I think any villain that has the audacity to call itself "The Nothing" should be nominated for either the Completely Crazy Villain Award, or the Creepy Award...
I mean, it's an invisible force that destroys everything in its path and seemingly can't be stopped...and it's called "The Nothing"...maybe it was just scary when I was a kid...

Alex said...

What the effing effity eff eff? You're telling me that the sound of EX-TERM-IN-ATE! EX-TERM-IN-ATE! didn't send the remnants of your last juice box streaming down your pant leg? I mean, even the theme song to Dr. Who freaked me out - definitely the creepiest music to ever grace a television show.

*sigh*

This is what happens when people try to get all cerebral about the shows they enjoyed as children. I mean, the original B-star was atrocious in the special fx, acting, scripting, casting, well... it was just horrible by today's standards, but I still love it ten times more than the new one because of the memories it gave me as a child.

Besides, who else but Starbuck was going to teach me how to be a womanizing, heavy-drinking, wisecracking egocentric space case with a heart of bronze? Buck freaking Rogers? Pfft!

SQT said...

Besides, who else but Starbuck was going to teach me how to be a womanizing, heavy-drinking, wisecracking egocentric space case with a heart of bronze? Buck freaking Rogers? Pfft!

*sniff*

I miss Dirk Benedict.

Asara said...

ha!
A comment in the post about the most intimidating villains reminded me of this one...
Bruce Campbell's hand in Evil Dead 2.