Monday, January 08, 2007

Superman Can't Have Sex


There are two reasons nerds shouldn't drink, the first involves drool and the second involves magic marker. Well, there's a third...they sit around and talk about the feasibility of Superheroes. Oh yeah.

It can't be helped. Sit us around and get us to talking about comics and soon you'll hear such gems as:

"Dude, Superman can't have sex."
"Dude, why not?"
"Dude, involuntary muscle contractions would kill her...not just that..."
"Oh wow."
"Yeah, that too."
"Dude, do you think Power-Woman is real?"
"Yes, I've written a poem for her: 'Power-Woman, all dressed in white, I'd like to take you out tonight'"
"Dude, that's so lame."

I can't tell you the hours of discussion involving such matters as: "You notice in the original comic, Spidey had to take off his shoes to stick to a wall? How is it he can stick when he's wearing his red spidey boots?" "What's the most damage Wolverine can take before he can't heal himself?" and of course, "She-Hulk...how come she doesn't get all ugly and stupid like her cousin?" Wait...I'm still thinking about She-Hulk. Wait...still thinking. Okay.


Recently, the BBC did a show called "The Science of SuperHeroes" in which some basic questions about the enhanced humans were answered (they also did one about the science of James Bond). I suggest going to the website and looking around. Interesting stuff.

Let me give you an example of some of the material covered. We'll focus on the science of Superman. What follows is an excerpt from the website:

Superhuman strength
From Krypton's size and mass, and a few equations, its gravity works out to be at least ten times as strong as Earth’s. Since lifting an object on Earth would take ten times less effort than on Krypton, Superman could lift a car as easily as we lift a wheelbarrow. It’s the same reason astronauts on the Moon can take 25 metre jumps and lift huge objects with ease. Their muscles have adapted to work in the Earth’s gravitational field. So the Moon’s weaker gravity (one sixth the strength of Earth’s) doesn’t pull them back towards the surface as much.
Solar-powered superhero
Superman apparently gets some of his tremendous energy directly from our Sun. The yellowish light that comes from the Sun contains more energy that the red light that bathed Superman’s home planet. Also, Krypton was probably a lot further away from its sun, since larger planets are more likely to orbit their stars at a greater distance. Other descriptions of Krypton suggest that it had a very dusty atmosphere, which would also block sunlight from reaching the people living on the surface. So while Superman is on Earth he receives much more solar energy than on Krypton, making him much more powerful.


You see what I mean? It's nerd crack. It's the sort of stuff that gives us something to dream about while significant others are off watching "American Idol" or "Desperate Housewives".
So, check it out. It will give you something to fall back on the next time you and the crew get together and start arguing about the X-Men. And if you're going to a convention any time in the future, well...it will just be assumed you know this stuff.

35 comments:

SQT said...

I remember after seeing Superman Returns the first thing my husband started talking about was the feasability of Lois getting pregnant by Superman.

He thinks his super-sperm would be too powerful for her to handle.

Stewart Sternberg said...

If I may be indelicate, and since you brought it up, I agree with your husband: it would have shot through her, tearing her apart. Her head would have exploded. Of course, that might have been an improvement for Lois.

Now, I'm going to go lay down.

SQT said...

ROFL!

Crunchy Carpets said...

Did you guys see 'My Super Ex-Girlfriend'? Bad movie that could have been could had it beend done by comic people. The super sex was funny though.

I always laugh when we have friends over....our late night post summer bbq talks always were either who could write superman better, or the problems with the x-men movies or here is my newest and greatest comic idea that will never get published.

I now realize why we don't get invited to neighborhood stuff.... i think all our blue collar neighbours think we are freakin aliens.

Stewart Sternberg said...

You raise an interesting question crunchy..what comic book hero would you most like to sleep with. Hmmmm....I would have to go with Mystique. She could morph into anything or anyone.

Okay..now I'm going to really go lay down.

Angela/SciFiChick said...

Well, Wolverine turned her down...

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Does this mean villains should attack Superman at night?

mist1 said...

My problem with Superman is that he's a deadbeat dad. The guy has been out of the picture since Lois got knocked up and all of a sudden he wants to come back and everything is okay? I think not.

jedimerc said...

That whole super-sperm thing was in an article by some sci-fi writer (whom I forget at the moment) who thought the sperm would actually be so powerful the result would kill Lois from internal injuries.

Oh, and I forget what Power Girl's powers are... and with that picture it doesn't matter (seriously, I am just as big a comic nerd, so I do know :)

Oh, on the Wolverin thing, I think it was an X-Men annual (10 maybe) with Alan Davis doing the art that Wolvie was reduced to a drop of blood and regenerated (with some I am sure some advanced/magical assistance) though he has survived having the adamantium ripped from his body... ouch.

Crunchy Carpets said...

Stewart you kill me.

Hmmmmm...which super hero.....

I have to go think about that.

think looooooong and haaarrrrdddd...

hee hee

Stewart Sternberg said...

Crunchy, I sure hope that wasn't a reference to someone like Mr. Fantastic.

SQT said...

I'm all about Wolverine, if Hugh Jackman is playing the part. :p

Titania Starlight said...

I think I saw something in a porn mag about this subject or on the internet. Yep, mortal females could not handle it. Not even Wonder Woman.

DesLily said...

good choice SQT!!! I'm with you!.. or maybe Hercules, (as long as sorbo is playing the part)

Neila said...

Oh, sweet lord, I have actually had the Superman sex discussion. And I like Desperate Housewives! So what exactly does that make me? Hmmmm . . .

jedimerc said...

What is it about the Hugh Jackman Wolvie over classic Wolvie... ok, it's the hair isn't it? And the comic version is built more like a barrel than a real person :)

SQT said...

Hugh Jackman. *sigh*

Stewart Sternberg said...

Jedimerc, I think you have something there. I think the time has come to recast Wolverine. It is time to take the character back from the women, who would turn him into a bad hairdo and a bare chest. They want to make our badass into a slightly scruffy Fabio!!!!

Ladies, this is Wolverine. He isn't your boytoy. This is a rabid, vicious, butt-kicking, take no prisoners, sometimes obnoxious, sarcastic, often selfish and self serving, son-of-a-bitch.

You want Wolvie? Take the real Wolvie and leave Jackman to do Van Helsing, or the latest romantic thriller. And also, don't you be getting ideas about Daniel Craig. At first I thought it was great the ladies found him hot...but soon they'll be wanting him to oil up and do push ups, they'll be expecting him to grow stubble let his hair grow, they'll maybe ask that he dance. Well, dammit...hands off CRAIG.

I'll make you a deal. I'll let you have Jackman, he's earned it...in exchange for keeping Craig pure.

And deslily...don't you get me started on Kevin Sorbo.

SQT said...

But but but........

Fine, you can have Daniel Craig.

_grumble_

ShadowFalcon said...

After seeing Superman returns my husband pointed out that Clark whipes lois' memoary at the end of 2, so as she doesn't remember the relationship and the sex does she think Superman raped her?

Worse then that it finally hit me why invisable women (who bugs me) stays with my fantastic (who bugs me even more)...

Asara Dragoness said...

LOL!! Have you seen Mallrats, Stewart? One of the main characters is obsessed with comics, and the sexual activity/prowess/abilities of all the superheroes. He even gets to have a chat with Stan Lee about it. Good times. As far as being a normal person and getting it on with a superhero, I've always had a thing for Gambit. I don't know if it's the coat or the Lou-siana cajun accent thing, but he's always been my #1 X-man. That holds true for both sexes, oddly enough. Rogue is my favorite X-woman. Perhaps I should have been born in the south!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I was going to mention the bit from Mallrats, but you beat me to it.

Larry Niven wrote an essay titled Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex, you can read it at his site. Pretty funny.

jedimerc said...

The only problem I have with women cast as female superheroes is that (with perhaps the exception being Lynda Carter as 'Wonder Women) they can never live up to the heroine's physiques (um... Power Girl case in point) unless we start casting porn stars for these roles, or someone pulls a 'Star 80' and gets implants for the role :)

Oh, and go Mallrats...

SQT said...

Yeah, the comic book artists have pretty much created a standard for women that's impossible to live up to. But I guess it's supposed to be a fantasy...

Stewart Sternberg said...

Okay, I don't think comic book heroines are an impossible standard. Ladies, are you listening? And what's wrong with eighties porn stars? If it weren't for those pioneers we wouldn't have nineties porn stars or.....ought something porn stars.

If women cared, really cared, they would look at Power Woman not as an anomaly, but as a standard to live up to.

Set the bar too high??? HA!!!!! hahahahahaha.

I have to go eat some mallowcups now, and maybe have a twinkie or two.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Oh, wait..you said Star 80...meaning..um...oh I see...

Well my original statement stands. And as for implants...don't get me started. That's why God gave us science. That and flat screen computer monitors. And XM radio.

Yeah.

SQT said...

Ok Stewart. I'm laughing, I'm not agreeing with you........but I'm laughing.

Crunchy Carpets said...

My comic book artist friend who does Y: The Last Man....years ago reeeally wanted to do Superman.

She was told that women can't draw superheroes.

Sadly the comic industry is a sexist little world and obviously still populated by a lot of guys who actually have never SEEN a naked woman!

Sorry....was that mean????

Lawrence Santoro said...

Jon,
I was going to but you beat me to it. Glad to see others remember Larry Niven's 'essay' "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex." I read it back in the 70s and thought it would be the final word on Sup and Lois. Guess it wasn't.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Crunchy, I just want to say that I have seen a naked woman. My mother. Now that you've forced that confession from me, I need to go call my therapist.

Crunchy Carpets said...

Well Stewart...now I need to see a therapist too....that is waaay too much 'Spanking the Monkey'

That movie gave me the heebie jeebies

Ormondroyd's Encyclopedia Esoterica said...

The Superman question makes me wonder how a creature from another planet could possibly impregnate a human, or perhaps even want to (my lust for Chianna from Farscape notwithstanding)... and the third most annoying thing about the "science" of the Star Trek universe:
how in the hell are these species from far away solar systems reproducing? How could the DNA be compatible? Are Spock and the other half-breeds sterile, like a mule?

gugon said...

Considering the number of "alien" women Kirk slept with, I often wonder if he left a trail of deformed hybrid children across the galaxy. Wouldn't that make a great Trek movie if all of Kirk's children banded together and came after him?
_____________________________

On superheroes - I've never been a big reader of comics, but a friend of mine has been a HUGE comics fan since early childhood. One day he confessed to me that in his teens, he was irresistably aroused by the Hulk comics. Now, he wasn't attracted TO the Hulk. It was the concept of the transformation that he found incredibly erotic. It was like a full body erection: growing, swelling, bursting at the seams, the pure physical, animal power......

It seems like there is something deeply erotic about superheroes in general and that plays a major role in their popularity among adolescents.

Stewart Sternberg said...

I agree gugon, and that description you've just written has gotten me rather hot. I tell you, I love extremes.

Old Knudsen said...

Superman messes around acting stupid as a reporter while people die and he only saves people when theres an audience, hes more of an attention hoor than a blogger is.

he was going to give Lois a money shot but she said,"you'll put someone's eye out with that"